Finding the deep inner joy…

Finding the deep inner joy…
“Joy is spiritual. It is different, totally different from pleasure or happiness. It has nothing to do with the outside, with the other, it is an inner phenomenon.”
Osho, Joy: The Happiness That Comes from Within
Some days. I mean, really. Some days can go suck an egg . Some days are just so filled with crappy things happening that I just want to hide under the covers and cry. Today, it’s raining, sleeting, cold and windy out and I kinda feel like the weather. Emotionally. I feel all blustery and tearful. I feel dark and pouty. I want to melt into my bed and tell the boys to make their own damn dinner. Yeah, today can go suck an egg!
I can’t begin to tell you how many times people around me haven’t known I was struggling with something in my life though. That I was having a dark yucky day. Because, despite all that, my inner joy was still present.  It wasn’t that I was hiding things or didn’t lean on my support systems to work through my struggles. Or that I was being fake. It was that I have found a deep inner joy that is not shaken when my outer world is spinning.   I call it…
The boys and I talk about it quite often, actually. How do you stay centered in your joy when something sh***y is happening? When life feels less than stellar? Where does the joy come from? How can you be happy when unhappy things are happening? What is joy really?
Again, I turn to Osho, because, why reinvent the wheel when Osho rocks?


I am grateful. I have no conditions that need to be satisfied for my happiness. It’s not like ‘if I get a coffee this morning, my day will be great’, ‘only if it’s sunny can I also be sunny’, or ‘only if my boyfriend loves me today, can I feel loved’. I just don’t roll that way. Anymore.
What I have found and what I teach my boys, is their value regardless of what is happening around them. It is the go with the flow mentality. It invites gratitude for all things, including the crappy things. Asking them “what are you here to show me, teach me?”
Having three differently-abled boys, my days used to be filled with crappy news. I was on a roller coaster. Up and down. Up and down. They would have a great day and I would go up, riding the high of accomplishments. Then something would happen…calls from police, less than optimistic IEP meetings, and calendars filled to the brim with appointment after appointment…and down I would go. Unable to hold on to the high from a few days earlier. It was a wild ride and I hated it.
I could not find joy. Not even if my boys brought me flowers. Or if my boyfriend loved me. I would be so focused on the storm brewing around me that it would create a storm inside me.
Then I figured out how to let go. I found my value and place detached from anyone or anything else. I found me. I found my gratitude for my life. Not my day to day, but my breath. My birth. My living and being. The fact that I had the deep pleasure of being alive this day. What a gift! It didn’t diminish the crappiness of things that happened, but it made them easier to navigate. I found my inner stillness, my calm in the storm.
So today, crappy stuff happened and it’s a little bit harder to bounce back, but my inner joy is there. It’s been in the gratitude for a friend for deep conversations. In the hug of a confidant and appreciation for a ride so C-man and I didn’t have to walk home in the rain while the mold was being cleaned out of our van. In the love of my boyfriend as he accepted differences and talked through ideas without judgement. In the hug of my boys, in the snuggle with my dogs, in the moments of silence I’ve taken to connect with myself and just feel my way forward.
Inner joy, deep inner joy, does not mean that every day is sunshine and unicorns…even if you stop at Starbucks! It doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen. It’s how you feel a deep calm and peace within yourself when they do. How you bounce back quicker and are still able to find gratitude for things when others are crappy. It’s about being able to balance out the bad and good. Not letting one rotten apple spoil the whole damn bushel.
It used to be extremely hard for me and teaching it to my boys hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world, but living it now that I’ve found it…is so worth it.
To your inner joy I say…shine bright.
All the love,